30 Days of Paganism: Beliefs – The Power of Prayer/Recipocity

I am not really big on prayer. As I wrote about on the last 30 Days of Paganism post, I am not good at having wants, dreams, or needs, and am much more likely to bury them all internally than act on them. So prayer as a form of asking for something from the gods is not really something I often engage in, especially since I run into so many people who treat the gods as vending machines.

Besides, for me, a lot of the time the gods are much more willing to give me things, than I am to receive them. They come to my aid whether I am open to it or not, and in the past most of the time I was dragged kicking and screaming. (But their idea of ‘aid’ is often of the tough love kind, so it is do not want on a good day).

I am getting better at receiving gifts as a general rule. I have never really had a problem in giving them. If I see something that reminds me of someone, be it a friend, family member, or a god, I have in the past given it to them just because. I also enjoy making things for people. And if I think of doing so or are engaging in an act that reminds me of a god, I will make a small offering. I do not really expect anything in return.

The prayers I more engage in, are more of a confessional/cathartic type. Taking my issues and laying them in front of someone else, for cleansing and for comfort. It is healing work, which is currently my biggest focus. This is a give-and-take that I engage in most often with Zagreus.

But overall, my relationships with deities are not very formal. Formalities have their time and place, but most interactions could even be seen as irreverent by an outsider.  Casual conversations, struggling with/against, fighting with, and being a stubborn PITA are more my MO. They are my family, and I tend to interact with them as such.

30 Days of Otherkin: Kintype(s): What’s it like to be your kintype?

My brain is torn between two answers here. The first is, “annoying”. The second is, “I do not know, what is it like to be anyone or anything?”.

I do not know what it is like to be quote unquote normal. Even if you were to remove the fact that I am otherkin (and pagan – they are linked for me) out of the picture, I am still pretty far from average. I am genderfluid, so my sense of gender identity kind of exists on a sliding scale. I am pansexual, so a person’s biological sex and gender identity are of no import when it comes to attraction. I am demisexual, so I do not understand attraction based on looks at all (the expression “eye candy” just gets a perplexed look out of me). I am polyamorous, which means the concept of monogamy is also lost on me. My height is below average, my weight is above average, my skin may be white but I am legally a Native American. I am neuroatypical in several different ways, and by this point you hopefully get the picture.

So, I do not know what it is like to be anyone or anything but me. This extends to the kintype thing. So I am not sure how to explain what it is like, since I cannot do so by comparison. Helpful entry, no? :p

30 Days of Otherkin: Kintype – Mythology, Legends, Lore

Oh, where to begin. A lot of our modern history in the West starts with Ancient Greece as some founder of our civilization. What most people do not stop to think of, is why Greece? Where did they come from, and why? Did they pop up suddenly and create the entire cornerstone we are taught our modern lives sprung up from?

Of course not. The Greeks were as much a product of their time period, as we are of ours. They grew from previous civilizations, like we have. One of the major contributing civilizations was that of the Minoans (modern terminology, I just like the way it sounds) of ancient Crete. The Greeks absorbed other civilizations so fluidly, that most people equate figures such as the Minotaur, Ariadne, and Dionysus with them, instead of with the actual cultures they are derived from.

But I do not think the topic of this meme was for a schooling in history and the way it has been formed.

It is hard for me to talk about mythology surrounding being a incarnation of Britomartis, in a single post. Exploring the myths is a major theme of this whole blog, as evidenced by the title. So instead of a crash course in myths surrounding entities like the Minotaur, Ariadne, Britomartis, and Dionysus, I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that myths matter.* Reading the primary documents when available. Reading secondary sources. Reading modern retellings. Viewing both ancient and modern art. Experiencing them in your own life. Playing them in a video game, hearing them in a song, watching them in a movie. All of it is important, because myths are what connect and bind us to each other; they are a language everyone speaks, and they can move us to our cores.

So google that entity whose name is in the back of your mind, but you cannot remember where you heard it or why it is lingering in your thoughts. Read about that character that your friend told you is based on some myth from some old culture. Find the lines that connect you to things other than yourself, and trace them back as far as you can go. You could find magic.

* (The links above, by the way, link to previous posts on this blog exploring myths.)

A Change in Direction for this Blog

This blog was originally created for me to explore my interests and ties with the Minoan culture. To work via UPG on reconstructing the little fragments of the religion that exist, introducing key figures to the public, and explain divine incarnation into human flesh in a culture that has lost touch with that ancient occurrence.

But as I answer the 30 Days of Paganism and 30 Days of Otherkin meme, as well as the direction my posts for the Pagan Blog Project have taken, it is becoming apparent my focus on this blog is way too narrow.

I debated starting a new blog, one that was less formal, one that was not as personal (an odd combination, I know). One to write about my new explorations into magic; about aspects of my practice that are not Minoan-centric; about my pagan arts and crafts (o hai, I make ritual items mostly in leather!). But the lines are all blurry, and probably arbitrary, and one of the big things various entities keep trying to get through my thick skull is that compartmentalization is bad for me.

So, I give up. I will definitely keep up with the original goal of this blog, but I am going to write about other (relevant) things, too.

30 Days of Otherkin: Kintype – Interactions

Writing this post feels odd, since I feel a lot of non-otherkin pagans could write a post like this. I have not heard enough people talk about their interactions with their various deities, to know if my answer would be any different than a human follower’s.

I interact not only with gods and goddesses, but other entities such as angels, demons, and on rarer occasion, the fae. As far as the kind of interaction goes, they fall into three main categories for me:

Incarnations

In case any of my readers are not aware, I am far from the only person who believes they are an incarnate deity (or angel/demon/other spirit). The biggest chunk of my interactions come from my friends who are also incarnates. Sometimes these interactions are profound and deep, intellectual and emotional discussions on our pasts and common experiences. But most of these interactions are like any other human interactions. Sticking packaging tape on my fellow incarnate and partner, Z. Walking around a garden and eating BBQ while talking about flowers and taking pictures. Having the cops pull over to ask us what we are doing sitting in the middle of dead grass near a house we were talking about the history of.

I treasure these interactions. Getting to have the balance between the spiritual abstract, and daily life, is beautiful, and a steady reminder of community.

Elsewhere

With these kind of interactions, I either do journey work to go Elsewhere (astral, spiritworld, what-have-you), or I get yanked from my body to go there, or I do a kind of bi-location. Originally when I did this, I had to lay down, focus, and let the journeying come to me that way. Nowadays, I am able to be both there and here at the same time, although it can be really disorienting. I sometimes also go Elsewhere when I dream.

These interactions seem to be pretty clear and immersive. They can be as faint as just feeling energies, to as involved as using all six senses (where feeling energy is the sixth). I can feel the sand beneath my feet; smell the distant flowers; hear the voice of Ariadne speaking to me; see the contrast of her skin and the sunset; taste the salt on the air. The memory of these experiences are just as concrete and vivid as the memories I have of interacting with a friend or a relative after the fact.

Sometimes this kind of interaction is a good thing. But considering some of the stuff I engage in Elsewhere, it can also be nightmarish. This is also not a steady thing for me. I tend to not go places purposefully very often, but rather wait to be called there. Also, depending on my mood and what is going on in my life, it may not be easy for me to do. So I go through intense periods of a lot of journeywork like this, to periods of really quiet time. (Right now I am in a more quiet faze).

Grounded Here – Hoverers

With these interactions, the deities and/or spirits visit me. In our apartment, outside on the sidewalk, in the shower – most of the time it results in me complaining.

These visits are usually more subtle than the journeywork interactions. Feeling the entity’s energy, and hearing them talk to me telepathically, often without words even (which is how I tend to think; with emotions and feelings, not words). I can tell it is them and not just me talking to myself, because the things they say are radically different than the things I say to myself, and it is not uncommon for them to say things that I do not know (or do not know that I know, at least).

But there are the not-so-subtle times. Times when I physically see them, luckily usually for just a few seconds. Actually hear them (this has been mostly restricted to the Birch Lady, and Lucifer so far – both whom I would rather not interact with 99.9% of the time). Have them mess with things, like how Dionysus seems fond of possessing technology. Phantom scents are a big thing, too. Marigold/Honeysuckle means Thanatos; Wine means Dionysus, you get the idea.

Mixed

Not really its own category, but the above three classifications are not always clear-cut. The first time I met Susanoo, it started with my Diet Coke tasting like seawater, and ended with me very clearly interacting with him Elsewhere. One of my interactions with Sariel where I pissed him off (it is not hard to do, let me tell you) and he injured me Elsewhere, led to matching physical pain for a while in my body. I have interacted with my incarnate friends Elsewhere, and I have met people I originally met Elsewhere, here in bodies later.

So the categories are more for ease of explanation, than hard and fast rule. All of this is pretty well integrated in my daily life. When I was working in libraries, I was also hearing Sariel snark at me about my lack of good posture. When I work on an art project, it is not unusual to have someone pop in and give me feedback (especially if my project pertains to them). This integration and balance of interactions is key, for me.

30 Days of Otherkin: Kintype(s) – Facts and Fiction

I have not really spent enough time in the otherkin community at large to pick up on the stereotypes and misconceptions people have about incarnate deities. So part of this is shooting in the dark. I also want to extend an open welcome to questions here, in case there is something more you would like to see my opinion on.

I am a goddess, and thus I should be treated like one! Bow down and worship me!

Yeah…no. The only way I expect to be treated is with the same level of respect everyone else deserves. Just because I believe myself to be a goddess, does not mean I expect people to treat me differently; I am not necessarily your deity.

That being said, I have had people tell me that they worship me, or pray to me in the past. It can feel very awkward, or very right, depending on the person and the situation. It is not something I ask others to do, that defeats the point. And the majority of the time I would prefer not to be treated like that. Honest, genuine emotions are one thing. But I feel that is rare, and I do not need the false airs or pomp and circumstance.

And if anyone is curious, appropriate offerings to me are artichokes, icons consisting of Pinkie Pie, and flavored marshmallows. :p

I am a goddess, I am perfect and capable and on top of everything!

This is one that I used to get a lot. Because of who/what I am, it is assumed that I must be highly functional and high up in society. After all, I am divine, right? Earthly life must be a piece of cake, and everything must bend to my will.

There used to be a game on a forum I frequented in the past targeted not at gods, but angels incarnate. “I am an Angel of the Lord, and…”, where people filled in the blanks. I am an angel of the lord and I just had to repair the dishwasher because it broke down  spilling brown water on my clean floor. I am an angel of the lord and I just got chewed out by a customer at the service desk I work behind at the local Shop and Save. I am an angel of the lord and I cannot find my damn left shoe.

You get the idea.

I am an incarnate goddess, but I am not the whole of Britomartis expressed all at once in a human shell. Only a fraction of me shines through at any given time; sometimes more than others. Instead of being on top of the world, what usually happens when I start expressing more strongly than average, is a breakdown.

How can there be so many tin cans in the world, that are tossed away when metal is so precious? What are lawns and why do people keep them? What is this stuff in a strange thin metallic wrapper, am I supposed to eat it? Why are things sold in huge, ugly concrete buildings, in strange packages? Why do I have to cover my chest? (If you do not get this one, look up the famous Snake Goddess statue from Crete).

If it were not for Z and him going through highly similar things, I do not think I would be able to cope with the basics of life here that most people do not even notice. So there may be some areas of life that I am more on top of than the average human, but they are usually not practical, and most of the time are outweighed by the “WTF is a plastic jug, and why are we throwing away a perfectly good container?” factor.

You should really see me and my existential breakdowns over things like traffic lights and mass produced dishware. Mindblown.

Gods > Humans

The other thing I have witnessed is that people seem to think I claim to be who/what I am, because I want to be a special little snowflake and think I am better than others.

I spent most of my life wanting to be normal, and my self-esteem is total shit. So that is far from the case.

I do not think gods are greater than humans. Just different. And I tend to be a big, big fan of humanity as a general rule. Why else would I actually want to be in a body here?

Gods = Humans

That being said, gods and humans are not equal in all ways. The biggest thing that comes to mind is morality. I have read often with a sense of confusion, people’s encounters with deities and how there seems to be this disconnect in understanding. Gods seem mysterious, inscrutable, and fickle.

I do not think they are. I think they just operate on a different set of rules than humanity operates on. I think that is why I have never really had trouble understanding other deities, because I have an intuitive sense of this unwritten code, since I also operate in it. A lot of things modern society is against or sees as evil or wrong, is passable and even sacred to me. Not things I would necessarily engage in on a physical level, but on a more spirit level, definitely. (I believe I have written a post on cannibalism and the dying-reborn thing, for example).

Gods and goddesses are vending machines.

This is one I cannot get into a lot without triggering my Ranty Miss Ranty Pants mode. I am sure a longer post on it will make it here eventually. But suffice it to say that deities do not exist to fulfill every wish and whim of humanity. You cannot insert a coin and expect to get a product. Gods do not owe anyone anything like that. You would not expect another human to bow to your demands, why would you expect a god to?

“Indoor Plumbing; It’s gonna be big!”

This is not entirely related to the topic of this post, but is a constant irritation I run into when discussing my kintype and experiences. If anyone has seen the Disney movie Hercules, there is a scene where the Fates whisper slyly how big indoor plumbing will be in the future.

I really, really wish people would stop treating ancient civilizations as so much less than modern society, and as so primitive. There was a comment in “The Mycenean World”by Chadwick that said the writers of ancient texts may have even though to sharpen sticks or affix a thorn, in order to write.

The truth is, indoor plumbing was not only a thing in Crete, but cultures further back than that. Things like water and sewage systems have been around for thousands of years. This is just one example out of dozens. Like the people who want to do things only with the technologies that existed at the time as if that is the traditional way, when cultures back then were rapidly adopting the newest technologies available to them, just like we do today. I bet you money that if the Minoans had access to power tools, they would go out and buy them right then and there.

So, there are a couple for you. Once again, I am open for questions if there is something you want my opinion on!

30 Days of Paganism: Beliefs – Magic, spellcraft, mysticism etc

First off I want to make the point that, while magic and spellcraft seem to go together logically in my mind, mysticism is an entirely different ball game. I see the first two as an attempt to marry the internal will with the external world, whereas mysticism is the attempt at communion and union with the Divine (however one’s particular worldview defines it). I do not think magic and mysticism have to necessarily be mutually exclusive, but they are definitely not synonymous.

I have a long history of dealing with mystical experiences. They are second nature to me. I will never forget the religious studies course I took on the subject, and the realization that some people have their entire lives changed by just one mystical experience, and some spend the rest of their lives trying to reach another. I was the quiet one sitting on the sidelines who struggled not to have such experiences. Feeling completely at one with everything, and the total breaking down of self in the face of it all.

The bulk of my religious practice nowadays pretty much centers around mysticism. Merging in and out with the Divine to the point that half the time, I do not feel separate or distinct from it. I do not have to work so much to reach the communion; I have to work to stay grounded and centered here.

Magic and spellcraft, however, I fight fiercely with. My brain constantly tries to tell me they do not exist. Whenever I read on the subject, my brain tells me it is all so silly and ridiculous, and would I not feel completely absurd engaging in it? It is stupid. Do not waste your time. It is just a child’s game, nothing more.

Z has said he has no idea how I can possibly deny the existence of magic and spellcraft. It is not as if we have never done rituals or spells. It is not as if they never worked. In fact, the few times I have actually dipped my toes into the water, I have been met with pretty quick and noticeable results. The problem for me is not a fear they will be unsuccessful. The problem is I am terrified they will work.

I still am having a very, very hard time feeling like I am allowed to have wants, hopes, dreams, and desires. Growing up, we did not have much money. The bigger issue was that the strain financially fell too much upon my sister and I. Instead of being shown how good we had it – a solid roof over our heads, enough to eat, clothing that was not threadbare, and even toys – there was constant strain and constant talk about lack.

Our house was broken into at one point, and everything down to the food in our freezer was stolen. A few months later at a flea market, I found a necklace that looked a lot like one of my favorites that had been taken from me, for five dollars. I asked my mother for it. She started to tear up and say how we could not afford it, and that would have been okay. Except it went on further than the necklace into our very security and how that necklace would cut into my family’s ability to pay bills, even though she had just purchased a four-dollar snack. She wound up buying me the necklace later, anyway. I never wore it. Seeing it made me feel sick to my stomach – because I had this necklace, my family was no longer able to pay bills, and we were no longer safe. I still feel deeply guilty to this day, and this was far from an isolated incident. Having any kind of want or preference still makes me feel like a total burden, and I feel unworthy of even basic things like shelter and food.

Even now, after writing that, I feel physically sick and upset. Z has been working with me a lot, especially this past year, to help me get over those feelings of guilt and unworthiness. He spoils me when we share things like food and drink, by choosing the ones he knows I prefer. He spoils me with gifts – not just the bare basic versions of things like shoes, but versions he knows will make me happy. My current household has a gross income less than the household I grew up in, but I feel more wealthy than I have ever felt before. And this has been extremely hard for me to grapple with. After 25 years of guilt for needing and having anything, positive things like gifts or even having my wants acknowledged as perfectly okay, is very stressful and jarring. It is unfamiliar, and I am having to completely shift the entire way I see the world and how it works.

So how am I supposed to embrace magic, a system with an emphasis on working to attain one’s wants, when I struggle terribly to admit to myself I prefer bubblegum toothpaste to mint? I feel way too small and insignificant and unworthy to take even small steps towards getting what I want.

And so, instead of facing everything I just wrote about and working through my issues, my brain takes the shortcut: magic cannot possibly exist.

It is a good thing I am working on ignoring lizard brain. Baby steps and all that.

(As a side note, I love my bio-mother very, very much, and realize she was doing the best she knew how to do at the time. But as I am learning, that does not mean that I cannot be hurt by my past.)

PBP 2013: Nietzsche, a Warning

Some people quote lines from their favorite movie or television show. Some people like to quote pop songs. I quote Nietzsche.

I first started reading his work off and on in late high school, then on through college. While I did not always agree with his ideas, I found what I could glean of then man very compelling, and looked up to him. Held him on a pedestal, and tried myself to aspire towards the theories he wrote, even though I never knew quite why.

For those of you who do not know who Nietzsche is, you actually probably know more of his work than you think (here is a convenient link to his Wikipedia page). Quotes such as “There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness”; “One must have chaos within one’s soul to give birth to a dancing star”; and “What does not kill you makes you stronger”, are some of the ones most oft quoted in our modern culture. Not to mention the infamous “God is dead” which you can often find on humorous T-shirts with God’s retort: “Nietzsche is dead”.

At the time I first started reading Nietzsche, his work struck me as very optimistic. I was coming from a place of pure nihilism. I believed nothing at all existed, and everything was meaningless, and always would be empty, hollow, and pointless. (Yay teenage angst taken to a prolonged extreme?). His concepts of the Ubermensch, and of overcoming nihilism and creating one’s own meaning in an inherently meaningless world was a huge step up from where I was standing, and at the time was a good thing to strive towards.

And then everything changed. Initially against my will, my deep-seated belief that the Universe was entirely empty, was ripped out from underneath me by a series of strange experiences. I went from a self-destructive downwards spiral, alone in life and just wanting to fizzle out of existence, to an extreme path of healingwork with a partner whom I love beyond words, and actually wanting to live. This is because of the dozens of ways I have been shown that life is far from meaningless.

But letting go of something I clung as tightly to as I did with nihilism, is not easy. Even moving on to believing I could create meaning, like Nietzsche advocated, was destructive. I often get caught up in struggling to create meaning, which I have not been able to do at all, even though meaning exists right there in front of my face for me, whenever I want to see it. I am given a constant, beautiful stream of purpose and reason, and instead I cover my eyes and go “Lalala, I cannot see or hear you!” and fall into deep despair. Nietzsche’s theories are what I tend to use to create that space of denial.

Around this time last year, I had a small revelation. This is quoted from my personal journal: “…fuck. That moment when you realize Nietzsche literally drove himself insane and to an early death because of his philosophy and how he viewed the world.”

Like most of my revelations, it did not last long. I quickly forgot that and went back to my Nietzsche-shaped life preserver for the black abyss of an ocean I kept forcing myself into. After all, I felt so drawn to not only this man’s writing, but what I could manage to get a feel for of his energy, and that only happens if it is relevant for me. So I must be supposed to cling to him.

And then a handful of months ago, while trying to do research on Dionysus, I ran across Nietzsche again. This was unsurprising, since the philosopher did a fair bit of writing on the Dionysian versus Apollonian. But what had come up in the search results was a bit jarring; here is a summary by the author Kohler who wrote a book on this topic:

“As Nietzsche became steadily less sane,” Kohler writes, “so he recklessly identified with different selves and, like Dionysus, his role model, exchanged one persona for another at will. At one moment he saw himself as Shakespeare or Caesar, at the next as King of Italy or as Wagner, a mortal enemy he pursued with all the savagery he had at his command. And these figures all revealed themselves to him as incarnations of the one god, the god Dionysus, with whom he knew himself to be identical.”

Instead of getting a discussion comparing two schools of thought like I expected, I got a whole slew of sites talking about how, towards the end of his days when Nietzsche was sinking further and further into madness, he not only seemed to believe that he was an incarnation of Dionysus, but he went so far as to sign several letters as such. The madness was not his believing he was Dionysus; it was the losing touch with the here-and-now, and the rest of life.

And that was when I realized that, for over a decade, I had been taking away the wrong lesson that I had to learn from Nietzsche. I was not supposed to learn from his words; I was supposed to learn from his life. If I kept trying to follow down that same path, I would wind up in the same place: being lost in the madness, instead of passing through it.

30 Days of Otherkin: Your Non-Otherkin Identities

This post is part of the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge.

I have heard a lot of otherkin talk in terms of “my kin self” and “my human self” before. I have been asked multiple times “what is your kin”, and each time winced a little as people go on to talk about their kin as if it were a separate entity. Maybe it is for them. But I do not have a split like that.

There is no otherkin-me and human-me. My entire identity is based around my identity as  a non-human soul with multiple aspects, the one relevant here is Britomartis.

When I was discussing not knowing how to answer this question and not understanding the human/otherkin divide with my partner Z earlier this week, he explained that I would not have a divide because I took over this life. I am essentially a walk-in. It is a topic we have covered before, and in the past he also told me there is not supposed to be a divide for us. Creating a separation interferes with how we function here, much like trying to separate the sacred from the profane. Everything is sacred.

Everything. When I make bread, it is sacred. When I bathe, or shop, or draw, it is sacred. Sex is sacred. It is a way of approaching life and its contents with intention and with attention; a way of making everything you touch divine, because you are divine.

So the spiritual touches every facet of my life. It informs everything I do. When it does not, I get thrown terribly off balance and struggle emotionally until I can get back into that everything-is-sacred mindset. And I cannot separate my identity as a goddess, from the spiritual, and thus from life, at all.

From the outside, it is a little different. Only a few of my friends know that I identify as not-human. So I imagine the people I interact with and deal with on a regular basis, and even strangers, mostly see some version of non-otherkin identity. (I have been called out by family members and strangers for not being human when I did not say anything to suggest it, but that is a vast minority of interactions).

But I cannot possibly know how they see me. And just because they do not make the leap that oh, she is a goddess, does not mean they are seeing any less of me.

I am just me. And I just happen to not have a human soul.

30 Days of Paganism: Beliefs – Birth, Death, and Rebirth

This topic is a rather charged one for me, and so I am not exactly sure what I can say about it, except that it happens, over and over.

I am less interested in birth, death, and rebirth in a physical capacity. People are born for various reasons, and then they die as bodies are temporary things. I struggle with a personal belief in any kind of afterlife, which is pretty rich considering my repertoire of personal experiences. I have believed in reincarnation for as long as I can remember to the point that, when I learned it was a religious belief and not just an inherent fact when I was around ten years old, I was shocked.

But birth, death, and rebirth in a spiritual sense? That cycle could pretty much sum up my religious path.

People who have read my blog previously might have guessed these topics are important to me, just by the fact that some of the primary deities I deal with are Dionysus, Ariadne, Persephone, and Hades. That whole birth, death, rebirth thing pretty much falls under their various domains. Britomartis’ primary myth of running from Minos for nine months before jumping into the sea, sometimes dying, and being reborn, is also relevant. In myth Zagreus was born, dismembered, then was reborn, too.

Z sometimes tells the joke that our family member’s idea of a greeting is to stab one another. It is a show of affection, he says. It is funny because it is true.

I live and reenact myth in my life, and that primary cycle is what has been deemed “shamanic death” by some, followed by being born anew. In journeywork, I have been stabbed, drowned, dismembered, and set on fire, just to name a few. Not to make myself sound all hardcore or oh-so-serious. Because yes, dying can be hard and painful. But for me, it is the rebirth stage that I dread for its difficulty. To pick myself up and carry on. To let myself rise from the ashes of my old self, as new changes to my energy take hold. To not only let go, but accept it all.

The reasons for this cycle in my own practice vary from cementing ties with certain entities, to feeding energy into places or objects, to feeding others, to cementing energetic modifications I have made or am having done to me, to healing me from my past traumas by letting them die away.

And then there is something a little more nebulous, somehow. That when the cycle stagnates or stops, my own mental and emotional well-being suffer. That unless I am engaging in this cycle with Z, I feel disconnected and off-balance and feel a loss of direction and meaning in my life.

So there are my vague, disjointed ramblings on something that strikes me as too profound for me to encapsulate in words in a slightly proper fashion, yet.