Working in Two Different Modes

Recently, I had this revelation that I’ve been pretty much emotionally – and energetically – shut down the past eight or so months. I’ve started trying to work with getting back on the right track, but it’s had a LOT of pitfalls, and so I’ve kept mostly to myself because my skin feels so thin, and I’m never sure what to say.

But at the same time, I don’t think staying quiet really helps me, either.

The past week and a half, I’ve had a sudden surge of people contacting me with questions and comments on this blog, despite the fact it’s pretty neglected. So I thought I’d check in again.

Another reason activity has gone down on here, is that I have two predominant “modes” of spiritwork, that sometimes overlap, but I often swing between the two of them. The Minoan and god side of things, which I write about on here some. And then the periods of time where the entities I work with the most are angels.

I always tried to keep the angel stuff off this blog, because I had hopes of it eventually leading in a direction where some kind of modern version of Minoan practice could be formed.

Which, Z pointed out to me, is silly. This is supposed to be my personal spiritual practice blog. Something more focused can come from it later, but it’s better to just write on here, now.

So, the past several months have apparently been Angel Season. I think the only exception is I had a brief visit with Hades, in regards to another angel whom I call Kizzy. Other than that, my interactions have been split pretty evenly between Samael and Lucifer.

Yeah. I tend to deal more heavily with quote-unquote fallen angels and Goetics. (But, come on…that shouldn’t be a surprise by now).

But even those visits haven’t been too much to report. Arguments with Lu. Things going smoothly with Samael. That sort of thing.

Still not sure what to say.

Happy March, and Adopting a Life

Happy March, everyone.

I have mentioned briefly in passing that the whole incarnate thing is a little more complicated than what I usually talk about on here, because that aspect of myself is not very relevant to the Minoan emphasis of this blog. The parts that are relevant find their ways in, but it never required me explicitly explaining. But right now, I need to talk about it a little.

March is a major, major month for me. Once upon a time, I was close to what might be called a multiple system. I was not the only soul in my body. In fact, I was actually the one in the backseat, and spent a lot of time not in the body at all, but in the “spirit world” or however you want to refer to it. The young girl who was in control of this life and this body stayed so for the bulk of my first 25 years.

That changed three years ago, this month. The young girl could no longer bear living her life, and so she left, asking me to temporarily manage things for her until she felt ready to return. Time passed. It became apparent that she had no intentions of coming back.

It worked out for us. This young girl had been claimed by Hades, and she desperately wanted to be closer to him. At the same time, I had fallen in love with someone here on Earth, and wanted desperately to be closer to him. Win-win.

Except I spent a lot of time worrying about the day when she would want her body back, despite the fact she gave me her blessing to live it as if it were my life. I did. I dropped out of school, because I did not want what she wanted in life. I came out to my family, because I did not want to live my life pretending to be anything I was not. I moved halfway across the country to be with my love. I have undertaken intensive internal work, trying to heal and mend myself. But there was still that thought creeping in the back of my brain: tomorrow might be the day I wake up back in the spirit world, instead of in my bed. Today  might be the last day I get to see my love face to face; feel his hand in mine, and his cheek pressed against my cheek.

So, this March, the young girl and myself made everything official. She gave up her ties to the body, and we went our separate ways. It is my life now, wholly.

For the first couple of weeks, it did not really feel like anything had changed. But the past couple of days, it has been really hard on me. I feel an aching in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, like something is missing. The weight of responsibility presses down on me a bit more. I feel lost. I feel alone.

And now I feel I have forgotten why I was writing this. Well. I guess that is that.

30 Days of Otherkin: Misconceptions, and Community

Day 10 is Common Misconceptions, but I feel like in my case I already answered that under the Facts and Fictions category, so I am going to skip it. And since I am  not a big fan of short, snappy posts on here, I am combining days 11-15 into one big post on Community.

Online

Years ago, I used to be a very active member on a now-defunct forum called Otherkin Alliance. A friend of mine on the forum then created an otherkin chatroom. It was through these two venues that I made the bulk of my friends, and my sense of community came from. It was even how I started to get close to my partner, Z.

After a blow-out with the founder of the forums over them refusing to take the time to even get my name right, I stopped going. A year or so later, the chatroom dwindled to a couple of us who still use it, and the random passer-by. The past year has been about not having an online community.

Recently, however, I started posting on The Cauldron, a large pagan community. I had been a lurker on and off for several years, but did not feel comfortable posting there because I did not feel like I belonged, nor like I would be accepted. But, so far, so good!

I miss community, and really want to get back into a couple, to feel more connected, involved, and have another place that feels like home.

Offline

I do not have a strong community offline, either. I have severe anxiety issues, including social anxiety. I have been getting better and can even attend parties without much issue. But it is keeping me from going out there and trying to get involved in the local groups.

Family

Growing up, my father cut off communication with his side of the family. So my family included my mother, father, sister, one grandmother, two aunts, two uncles, and a cousin. In my later teen years, my father walked out on us, and there was the birth of a new cousin.

I told my mother and aunt about the otherkin thing a long time ago; I am not sure how seriously they took it, or if they even remember. My grandmother actually found out on her own and called me on it. My family is dysfunctional and unhealthy, but I will give them credit when it comes to being generally open-minded in the religion department.

Since I moved out of the state, my communication with them has been a lot less, as I am focusing more on healing myself.

Friends

I have a small handful of online friends, most of which are otherkin, and several of which I have since met in person. I was never very social and tended to keep to myself growing up, so tend to do better with either meeting people online, or through others. I have a really good friend in person who does not know about the otherkin thing, but do not see him having an issue with it if I told him. Other than that, I sometimes hang out with my partner’s friends, when they get together.

Significant Others

I am polyamorous, and currently have one SO that I am absolutely, head over heels for. He is a lot like me in a lot of ways, and is also otherkin. It is great, because we do everything together and there is a very solid base of understanding between us.

I have a few other partners that are not in bodies – spirit spouses. Sometimes, the relationships are not so clear-cut. But the ones I feel safe in calling a significant other (meaning I have actually approached them about it and asked) include Sariel, Samael, and Dionysus. I have not gotten up the courage to deal with definitions with anyone else, yet.

Book One: Ariadne’s Thread

I did mention in my last post on the twelve books I am reading and reviewing this year might change, right? Right. So up first is the first publication (2013) of Laura Perry’s “Ariadne’s Thread: Awakening the Wonders of the Ancient Minoans in our Modern Lives”.

Let me start by saying I was ecstatic to see what appeared to be a book promoting a revival of the Minoan religion. Totally relevant to my interests. It had a small smattering of reviews, all of which looked promising. I had low expectations, because I know there is not a whole lot to go on historically for a reconstruction of a religion whose primary language is still not deciphered.

But Perry’s treatment of Minoan history was just painful. I will give credit that there is an extensive bibliography at the back of the book, but there is not a single footnote to be seen, which is unfortunate since some of her conclusions seem pretty far-fetched:

One class of people we would not find in ancient Crete is the military. Crete had no army or navy of its own and, until the Mycenaean incursions toward the end of the empire, did not hire mercenaries or guards from other lands.

This concept of Minoans as being peace-loving individuals is something propagated by Sir Arthur Evans, whom Perry openly decries the influence of on our understanding of the Minoans. It makes logical sense that a culture in great power would, at the very least, require a military for defenses. And a culture so tied to sea-faring, would require a naval fleet.

Allyson McCreery wrote on the subject extensively in her “Evidence for Warfare on Crete during the Early and Middle Bronze Age”. It is not a short read (over 100 pages), but here is a more recent article on the matter (published the same year as Perry’s book, but this information is not new) for a quicker recap: “Peaceful Minoans Surprisingly Warlike”.

They wanted no land other than their own small island and thus posed no threat to the surrounding nations.

Aside from the fact this seems like a value judgment, it is also an assumption. Perry herself also writes:

By concentrating on the flow of trade rather than spending money on a destructive and unnecessary military, the Minoans built up the strongest, farthest-reaching mercantile empire of the classical world.

I do not know if Perry does not include economic expansion as a type of expansion, or not. But you cannot have a far reaching empire, and still have no interest in acquiring more land or posing  no threat to other nations. Even if the Minoans meant no threat, which we do not know for fact, they could easily have been perceived as a threat by other civilizations.

The Minoans did also have outposts and colonies on places other than Crete, including Thera and even as far as the Asian mainland. Perry herself later speculates an emigration of the Minoans into Ireland. There are even some professors who have written on the possibility of the Minoan’s presence in North America.

Interestingly enough, though, the young men of Crete limited their aggression to the animals they hunted rather than warring on each other or neighboring peoples.

Putting aside all of the points I previously made, there is also archaeological evidence suggesting that the Minoans engaged not only in human sacrifice, but possibly even cannibalism. This is not a new discovery, either. It was printed in the 1980s even in a Milwaukee paper. That seems like aggression to me, although I personally hold it was primarily for religious reasons.

One striking aspect of Minoan fashion is its emphasis on sexuality. This should not be surprising coming from a society that found no sin or guilt in sexual display and activity. The people of ancient Crete celebrated their bodies just as they celebrated their beautiful island home and their gods. The women’s clothing often emphasized bare breasts. The men’s clothing could be quite scanty, often consisting of nothing more than a very short skirt and sandals.

Perry herself speaks of the warm climate of Crete – could it not be possible that is why popular garments were “scanty”? Assuming that a culture is emphasizing sexuality by showing bare skin, or that not being embarrassed by one’s body is a sexual display, just seems extremely naive, and even nearing offensive. Not to mention a wild leap.

She, however, did present some really thought-provoking ideas, such as priests/priestesses being incarnate deities, and a possible Minoan origin for some Irish clans, which is something I have run across before but been unable to find any backing for. It seems either she was also having trouble in that department, or just decided it was not worth sourcing directly, like the bulk of her book.

Perry is a Wiccan, and it shows in her treatment of the individual deities in her section on gods and goddesses of the Minoans. Reading through it felt like wading through a muddled mess of names which quickly lost all meaning as Perry attempted to combine them together.

I do think that there is some overlap in names when it comes to the Minoans and later Greeks. For example, I tend to conflate Zagreus with the Minotaur. I would even go so far as to say that in a handful of cases, if the names do not all refer to the exact same deity, they refer to different aspects of one deity, such as with Britomartis, Diktynna, and Aphaea.

But Perry goes as far as to conflate Hermes, Orion, Radamanthys, and Zagreus. And Rhea is the same goddess as Britomartis, Pandora, Cronos (?!), Europa, and sometimes the same as Ariadne (who is also Arachne, Alpheta, and even Ananke, among several others).

It got to the point that the entire section of the book felt superfluous, because what did it matter? It all came down to a Great Goddess, and a Good-But-Not-Great God.  Not to mention some assumptions that were just mistakes, such as confusing Cronos with Chronos:

As Father Time he presides over the ever-shifting cycles of life…by some accounts Cronos is said to devour his own offspring, but this tale is simply a metaphor for his embodiment of time itself.

I am a squishy polytheist, but err on the side of hard polytheism. I am open to conflating deities when there is actual backing for it. But backing is something Perry’s book seems to be missing entirely. If she had presented her encyclopedia of Minoan deities with the caveat that it is a topic of debate, that would be one thing. But her factual tone is extremely off-putting, especially considering there is not a single footnote in sight.

Personal beliefs aside, I feel like it is a disservice to what little we DO know historically to not take proper care in providing factual information alongside UPG, and noting which is which.

The bulk of Perry’s book is actually a collection of rituals she designed based on her interpretations of Minoan culture. She did a pretty decent job in the preface to this section of explaining what are modern pagan elements (actually, Wiccan, but I will let that one slide), and why they would or would not be included in the rituals. She did what felt like a lot of assuming about ancient Minoan rituals, however.

Full disclosure: I did not try any of the rituals in her book. But I read over them. As rituals themselves, they seemed pretty solid and I could see them as meaningful for people who enacted them.

I cannot buy the rituals as modern or ancient Minoan ones, but I can definitely buy them as Wiccan rituals with a Minoan seasoning. I, myself, found them of the wrong paradigm to work for me personally. But for a Wiccan, from my understanding of the religion, they hold good potential.

She covers a lot of important life events: marriages, partings, deaths, memorials. I was particularly pleased to see included a passage into adulthood for young men and women. The rituals vary based on participants required, but Perry took care to note that they some can be slightly tailored for the amount of attendees present, and people’s genders and sexual orientations.

All in all, I was not pleased with Perry’s book. I found it full of misinformation, assumptions, and sometimes even wild leaps when it comes to the historicity of the Minoans and their religious lives. However, Perry’s own section of rituals holds potential for individuals who are drawn to more Wiccan paths of paganism, and are looking for something with a more Minoan flair.

Losing the Wild – On Community, Dionysus, and Longing

The past three days, I have felt more like myself than I have in months. Z suggested it was our eight mile walk on Saturday, working to loosen and ground me. The winter has been, well, a New England winter. So I have not spent much time outside of the apartment, lately. I think another part of it is getting around to actually participating on The Cauldron forums. It feels almost like breathing again, talking to others in a community. I have not done that much since the days of Otherkin Alliance. 

It is nerve-wracking, too. A lot of the time, I do not know what to say. I am not sure what new posts I can create. I feel like I am in this limbo place where my experience level is there, but my confidence level is not. 

The night before last, I had a dream that was really upsetting. The only part I can actually remember, is someone accusing me of not being wild. He was not speaking English, so I do not have the exact word he used, but the closest equivalent I can think of is “tame”. Subdued. Domesticated. Broken in. 

I told him he was wrong. I am wild, truly, I am. I just do not show it. He just scoffed. Prove it. 

But, I could not prove it. I cannot prove it now. And it keeps haunting me. 

Last night, I missed Dionysus. It always strikes me as so strange when that happens, considering our track record of encounters together. But it was there, and it was profound. I have not been able to do journeywork for a while; everything when I try is just black, and empty space. But I had to try. 

It was like trying to look at something through a fog, without my glasses, in the dark. Flashes of blurred outlines and washed out colors. Scents like the onset of the cold, blocked. I could not feel the bark of the tree I was pushed against, and I could barely feel whatever it was that was shoved through my belly button, pinning me to the cold wood. 

Nothing happened. I just stood there, vaguely aware of the blood. I could feel Dionysus there, even see him sometimes. He was as cold as the frozen ground. No exuberance, no madness, not even any anger – no life. 

“Wait,” I cried to him. He shook his head, and turned his back on me, leaving me unable to move against the tree. 

His words were not concrete. I could not piece them together into cohesive English. Something about my blood being absorbed by the ground (but, it is frozen, it is too slow! I protested). Snakes, and life, and going under. Not his problem. Done.

He left. Everything felt empty, and sad. Too dead for desperation, and a sense of loss and disappointment hung in the air. Maybe his, or maybe just mine. 

I am not tame. But I sure do act it most of the time. My fears keep me quiet. Make me keep my head low, terrified to look up and see how I impact the world around me. Only wild when absolutely cornered and there is no other option. Only wild when I feel absolutely safe and know there is nobody who can destroy me, because I am strong, and I am loved. Only wild, when the desperation to feel entirely alive creeps into my veins.

But, that is not wild enough.

Twelve Books…Eleven Months

It would have been 12 books, 12 months, but I guess that ship has sailed. Part of my goals for the new year include reading a whole slew of books. Sure, twelve is not terribly many when compared to my reading habits of the past, but it is a good start!

I am not sure which books I am going to read, other than I want them to be relevant to my religious and spiritual interests, since I have fallen so far out of touch with that aspect of my life. (Notice the lack of posts lately?). This list is really subject to change based on my whims, but I thought having a preliminary idea might be useful! If anyone has any recommendations, or comments on those on this list, I would also love to hear them!

The list is just in alphabetical order.

1) Greek Religion by Walter Burkert

2) The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell

3) Seidways: Shaking, Swaying, and Serpent Mysteries by Jan Fries

4) Orpheus and Greek Religion by William Guthrie

5) Essays on a Science of Mythology by Carl Jung and Carl Kerenyi

6) Qabalah, Qliphoth, and Goetic Magic by Thomas Karlsson

7) Dionysos: Archetypal Image of Indestructible Life by Carl Kerenyi

8) Hermes: Guide of Souls by Carl Kerenyi

9) Arcana Mundi: Magic and the Occult in the Greek and Roman Worlds by Georg Luck

10) Thracian Magic: Past & Present by Georgi Mishev

11) The Great Mother by Erich Neumann

12) The Rotting Goddess: The Origin of the Witch in Classical Antiquity by Jacob Rabinowitz

Dionysus, God of WTF – Yes, I am Still Alive

I just wanted to check in with you guys, since this blog apparently has become an accidental niche site for people seeking information on labyrinths, Dionysus, suicide, and dreams about eating family members. Have I mentioned how much I love that I can see the search terms that bring people to this blog? Whoever found me via “dionysus god of wtf”, you are my new best friend. That is one of the most apt descriptions I have read, yet.

So, I am still alive. I got a temporary gig that had me on my feet about 30 times more than I am used to. The job was for the month of October, but since I have chronic pain issues as well as a lot of other issues in general, it took me the bulk of November to recover. This delayed my yearly Month of Suck, moving it from November to this month.

My focus has been a lot more on trying to figure out ways to keep myself afloat financially, as well as refocusing on artwork, and healing. I have been doing a lot of personal work dealing with accepting and trying to work through my past (I had a rough childhood) and coming to terms with the fact that I will in all likelihood be spending the rest of my life in pain. Spiritwork has been existent, but quieter.

And I do not know how to write anymore. I feel like I lost focus with this blog, and am not sure how to pick it back up. I do not know what to talk about, or what to say. Everything on here has been extremely personal, but I have been fluctuating from emotional numbness to overloaded, so I am not sure how to communicate like I did before. And then, there is still the problem of not really knowing where to start. So much of this has become so natural to me, I do not think about needing to step back and explain it.

Part of me wants to backtrack and talk about slightly less personal things. Talk as if I am a normal pagan. The other part of me realizes that I have already let the cat out of the bag about who I believe I am, and that nothing about me is “normal”.

I am throwing in the towel on PBP 2013. I may or may not pick it up for 2014. I have other projects and blogs I want to continue work on. I know for a fact that I will continue this blog later on down the line. Reviving bits of the Minoan religion is not really an option for me, but something that is going to happen regardless. So this blog will remain open; I will keep checking in on it, replying to comments, answering e-mails and the like. But new posts may be a while coming.

So, to my readers and accidental stumblers-upon, I wish you a warm holiday season, and a bright start to the new year!

30 Days of Paganism: Deity Gender

This topic is a little touchy for me. I am genderfluid; sometimes I identify as female, sometimes I identify as male. So I get to experience a whole range of frustrations and understandings that cisgendered people do not always seem to grasp.

My interactions with various deities are kind of like this as well. Of course, it depends on the deity in question. Some are very, very male. Some are very female. But the ones I deal with the most, kind of fall in the middle. They prefer one expression, but contain the other within them as well. The whole strong boundary, strong division thing is kind of lacking.

So, I respect their wishes when I interact with them. If they express themselves to me as female even if they are traditionally seen as male in lore, I go with that, and vice versa. It is not a big deal for me, if someone prefers one or the other. Even face to face with physical people, sex is not usually the first thing I notice about a person.

I tend to see the Universe’s energy as being every possible gender at once, as well as no gender at all. So it just makes sense to me that individual deities would show the various expressions to some extent as well.

30 Days of Paganism: Beliefs – Holidays

Holidays are something that I am kind of discovery as I go along. Some days just feel suspended, and different than others. Sometimes I can tell why, but sometimes I cannot. If I feel pulled towards a certain date for some reason, I tend to do whatever feels right for me to do to acknowledge that day. Some holidays are less single days, and more festival-like. So the list below is not complete, but just a sampling of the holidays I observe.

Full Moons

I do not always observe full moons, but they are particularly sacred times for me. They are the days Z is tied to during the lunar cycle, and a handful of our major dates such as our anniversary (see below) were marked by the full moon. I tend to feel more open on these days, and hold on less tightly to everything, so it is a good time for intuition for me.

The Heliacal Rise of Sirius

This is a newer one on my radar. It is a period of time that feels like death and rebirth, and some sort of new year for me. Which makes sense, because that is about what it meant to the ancient Minoans (and other ancient cultures). You may be able to stick Lammas in here somehow; I was just made aware of that holiday recently and have not looked into it too much yet. I figure details about this will eventually work themselves out.

Autumn Equinox

This one’s personal relevance also has not settled yet. The past two years, intuition has kicked in. The main thrust of it for me seems to be cooking a meal as an offering to Zagreus. It was around this time I discovered the relevance of certain foods like figs, and raspberries. I think I currently tend to view it as a kind of thanksgiving, where it feels important to make an offering to my god and have it accepted.

Halloween

I love Halloween a lot, but the spiritual significance is also still settling in (see a pattern here? In my defense, I have been at this pagan “holiday” thing for only two years). We tend to celebrate with a party, and I feel the veil thinning, so to speak.

Dia de Los Muertos

This is more the day I celebrate regarding the dead. I grew up in the heart of Texas, so was heavily exposed to the Day of the Dead celebrations. I bake loaves of pan de muertos (a type of bread only made for this holiday, with orange, and sugar, and anise), and we spruce up ancestor altars and make offerings. It tends to be quiet and thoughtful, for me.

Thanksgiving

I was born, raised, and live in the USA, so this is a holiday I grew up with. We make a lot of food and share a meal with family and friends, enjoy each other’s company, and generally feel grateful for our blessings.

My Salvation

Late November, early December. For those just tuning in, my partner, Z, found me in very bad shape in the Elsewhere. He saved me, and tended to me, helping me start to heal. It was not until a bit later that I then took over my body from the spirit who was in control prior, and spoke to him via instant messaging. The rest is history. There is not a particular day that I celebrate this, but a period of time where I am more acutely aware of where I am coming from, and how far I have progressed, and feel more in touch with what I consider my origin story this lifetime around.

Winter Solstice

This is Zagreus’ birthday time. So I like to celebrate that and show my gratitude towards him. We also exchange small gifts, and make a larger meal. We also celebrate the coming of Winter, which is his season (and I am quite fond of it as well).

New Years

Like most Westerners, I celebrate the New Year on January 1st. But it is just one of several “new years” I feel during the year. It tends to be a time of reflection, and setting hopes and goals for the coming year.

My Second Birthday (March 5)

This is the day that I took over this body from Kizzy, who was living this life prior to her leaving it to me. So I consider this my “real” birthday. I tend to spend it grateful for just being alive, and marking another year here.

Anniversary/Spring Equinox

This is the anniversary of my espousal to Z. We basically do whatever we feel like doing on that day, but like most holidays for me, it is a lot about just emotional and mental observance.

My Death

Late March/early April, I had my first shamanic death and rebirth experience, which more firmly cemented me as belonging to Z. So this is yet another time I spend thankful for him, and seeing how far I have come.

Z’s Birthday

We do what you would normally expect to do on birthdays.

My Birthday

Again, doing what is typical for birthdays. And trying not to have an emo outburst at getting older.

Summer Solstice

I associate this time period with Dionysus. It was around this time he first showed up, and like the Winter Solstice is Zagreus’ domain, this is his. But even more than that, it seems to be one of the biggest turning points of the year for me, and sets the tone for the next several months. One year, it was when all the awakening as Britomartis began. The next year, it was about owning up to being a prophet, and oathing myself to speak as a voice for Zagreus (which is partially why this blog is around). This  year, it was about letting go of hating myself, which has been the hardest of them yet. You hopefully get the idea.

So, there are some brief summaries of the holidays that first pop into mind. I am not very good at formal observance, but tend to just go with whatever feels right at the time. (Then look it up later and facepalm to learn it is an established holiday/festival, as often happens).

30 Days of Paganism: Beliefs – Patronage and Other Deeper Relationships

I am godowned, by Zagreus. He gave me the choice of whether or not I wanted to be His, and I said yes. I gave myself to Him fully, and completely, and continually do so. It was not until after I agreed, that I learned I never actually had a real say in the matter – neither of us did. Necessity, Fate, Wyrd, whatever concept you are familiar with, said that we were supposed to be together like this. I feel like my being given a choice like that, is rare, even if it wound up not being an actual choice. And going into my relationship with Him willingly, is a beautiful gift.

It is not always easy. I was on a major path towards self-destruction, engaging in self-mutilating behavior and attempted suicide. And then Z swooped in, adopted me, took me in, and has been protecting and taking care of me ever since.

But it is not so easy. Zagreus could have asked me to die for Him, and I would have in an instant. But instead, He asked of me something so, so much harder: to live for Him. To not just survive, but to heal, and thrive. To not submit, but to stand alongside, and learn to like who I am, and to learn to be myself, and to forgive myself, and live a life I want.

We have definitely had our rough patches. I have tested how tight the tether is, how long the leash is. I have wanted to give up, but was not allowed to. I have tried to run away, but was chased after and brought back. It is a strong tie that will not go away, and only continues to grow stronger. Most of the time I am beyond grateful, but I would be lying if I said I was always on board with the healing work, or that if it was not excruciatingly painful a good chunk of the time.

I am beyond blessed to have him, however, and to have him love me as deeply as he does, and for me to love him just as deeply. I know he always has my best interest at heart, because all he wants for me is to be healthy and happy. I consider our relationship to be miraculous.

There are other deities/entities I have a deep bond with. I do not really apply labels to our relationships, because I have not really asked for clarification from them yet; I am not sure I want to, it seems like it could be a lot to handle. Some of the ones I am closer to and whom I expect to continue to be close to for the rest of my life are Sariel, Samael, Dionysus, Hades, the Birch Lady, an angel whose chosen nickname is Kizzy, Ariadne, and some others.

I can go a long time between communicating with specific entities, but I have not really run into too many cases where I just had passing interactions with one. Most of my interactions come from stronger ties than that. There are definitely some entities I have interacted with that I would prefer not to do so again anytime soon, such as Lucifer and Michael. But even then, those relationships are not surface level, either.