I’ll admit it upfront: I’m a bad pagan, if you were to go by holidays. I don’t know the major pagan holidays. I didn’t even know it was Lammas, until my partner said we should eat the Swiss chocolate bars a friend gifted us because the brand is Frey and it was fitting. (They were good, btw!).
I mostly spent the weekend tending to an injury I sustained while trying to be domestic. So our festivities were me holding my second-degree burned hand (well, 75% of my hand) in a bowl of ice water, and my partner taking care of me during it. I’m healing quickly, as evidenced by my actually being able to type this.
I’ve written on here before (I think?) that I struggle with an anxiety disorder, among other issues. I bring it up because that’s what my life has been this Summer: a constant struggle with the lizard brain. I noticed yesterday that I spend about 90% of my conscious time being absolutely terrified of everything.
Including posting on here, after I noticed my blog had made its rounds on Tumblr almost a year ago without my notice, and the usual shittastic Tumblr commentary that happens in the otherkin scene. This was after the thing that went down on the Cauldron, which I just stopped getting on altogether.
But mostly, the fear just blocks everything. Time passes without me knowing it. My memory is completely shot. It’s very, very hard for me to feel anything except the fear. I lose my sense of self and identity to it, so I wander through my days like a ghost, with intermittent shaking fits and wanting to run away from everything.
And even before the emotions go, spirit work goes. There is no flow of energy for me. Just complete blockage. I’ve tried to reach out to Dionysus three times this week, but cannot find him. Even though all I want to do is tell him that he was right back in February, when he said I was tamed.
I miss everything. The emotions, the feeling of energy flowing, the interactions, the quiet stability. I miss being able to feel my partner on multiple levels, rather than just feeling his hand against mine. But I’m terrified to change it, and I’m not even sure I can.
So, I’m still around. Just kind of out of it.