I’ll admit it upfront: I’m a bad pagan, if you were to go by holidays. I don’t know the major pagan holidays. I didn’t even know it was Lammas, until my partner said we should eat the Swiss chocolate bars a friend gifted us because the brand is Frey and it was fitting. (They were good, btw!).
I mostly spent the weekend tending to an injury I sustained while trying to be domestic. So our festivities were me holding my second-degree burned hand (well, 75% of my hand) in a bowl of ice water, and my partner taking care of me during it. I’m healing quickly, as evidenced by my actually being able to type this.
I’ve written on here before (I think?) that I struggle with an anxiety disorder, among other issues. I bring it up because that’s what my life has been this Summer: a constant struggle with the lizard brain. I noticed yesterday that I spend about 90% of my conscious time being absolutely terrified of everything.
Including posting on here, after I noticed my blog had made its rounds on Tumblr almost a year ago without my notice, and the usual shittastic Tumblr commentary that happens in the otherkin scene. This was after the thing that went down on the Cauldron, which I just stopped getting on altogether.
But mostly, the fear just blocks everything. Time passes without me knowing it. My memory is completely shot. It’s very, very hard for me to feel anything except the fear. I lose my sense of self and identity to it, so I wander through my days like a ghost, with intermittent shaking fits and wanting to run away from everything.
And even before the emotions go, spirit work goes. There is no flow of energy for me. Just complete blockage. I’ve tried to reach out to Dionysus three times this week, but cannot find him. Even though all I want to do is tell him that he was right back in February, when he said I was tamed.
I miss everything. The emotions, the feeling of energy flowing, the interactions, the quiet stability. I miss being able to feel my partner on multiple levels, rather than just feeling his hand against mine. But I’m terrified to change it, and I’m not even sure I can.
So, I’m still around. Just kind of out of it.
Reconstructing the Labyrinth 
(Sorry for the long reply) “The only constant is Change”. That’s a phrase I hear a lot from fellow Pagans and other magic workers. I strongly believe this is true. I’ve felt that numbing distance too, (summer of 2012, if I remember correctly). The only thing I felt that summer was fear, sadness and desperation. But there was another emotion that laid deep within me that no one (including myself) noticed: anger. Anger that I let myself get this way, anger at how heavy my clothes and limbs felt, anger towards whatever brought me so far down and anger because I couldn’t find a way out. But it was anger that made me get up and say “stop it! Just stop it!”
This part may sound cheesy but one night I lit a candle on a waning moon. I didn’t say my usual poetry for my spells, I just said “I’m sick of feeling this way. I sick of feeling this unnecessary fear and sadness. This isn’t who I am. I want my life back now! Give it back!” I just let loose. I got fierce and primal and so bitter. I let out all the pain I felt through words and tears. I felt the worse pain of Summer 2012 that night. It left me feeling raw and open. I was crying and coughing and just so broken. I went to bed, not knowing whether or not that ritual or whatever worked. But I can say I’m in a much better place now.
Sometimes the alcohol on the wounds hurts more than the actual themselves, even if it’s so an infection won’t start. I had to force myself to live. I forced myself to go outside in nature, I forced myself to meditate, I forced myself because if I didn’t, who would? When I read your post, my heart broke because I remembered when I went through that terrible, terrible summer. So much love to you. I sincerely hope you feel better.
– Saea
PS: I’m bad with holidays, too. Since I’m not Wiccan anymore I just celebrate the change of the seasons and Samhain 😉 I have no shame in saying I miss more Esbats than I should lol!
Regarding the holidays, I was never Wiccan so to be completely honest I don’t even think I can name all the holidays. I tend to follow a more intuitive schedule of “Something’s going on…what is it?” in which I do a lot of research to figure it out. (For example, the rise of Sirius). But my degree is in Religious Studies so I feel I should at least be able to name the holidays!
I absolutely hate the phrase “The only constant is Change”…probably because it’s true, and I don’t do well with change at all. I’m sorry you went through a Summer of Suck, too; your experience with it sounds pretty similar to mine.
I’ve undergone a lot of changes lately. Three and a half years ago, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live. I was entirely shut down. I didn’t trust anyone, or anything in the slightest. I didn’t want to be happy. I was entirely self-destructive. The only reason any of that changed was because of my partner, Z. And once I agreed to be with him (I’m still not sure what compelled me to agree, it surprised both of us), it’s been this constant push forward.
So this Summer really does suck and I’m mostly shut down again. But at least I don’t want to be alone anymore, I have a few people I trust, I want to be happy, and I’m far less self-destructive. It’s just hard to keep reminding myself of all of that. Things are different this time around. In the past, I had entities who came and pushed me along the road. Now, it’s been mostly quiet, and I’m having to learn to take more initiative, like what you described.
I am hopeful that things will change soon. They already have started to some. Fall is usually a very emotional, trying season for me, so I expect the more it settles in, the more I will be able to open back up even though it’s going to really hurt. Thank you so much for the love and hopes for feeling better, it means a lot to me. ❤