Happy March, everyone.
I have mentioned briefly in passing that the whole incarnate thing is a little more complicated than what I usually talk about on here, because that aspect of myself is not very relevant to the Minoan emphasis of this blog. The parts that are relevant find their ways in, but it never required me explicitly explaining. But right now, I need to talk about it a little.
March is a major, major month for me. Once upon a time, I was close to what might be called a multiple system. I was not the only soul in my body. In fact, I was actually the one in the backseat, and spent a lot of time not in the body at all, but in the “spirit world” or however you want to refer to it. The young girl who was in control of this life and this body stayed so for the bulk of my first 25 years.
That changed three years ago, this month. The young girl could no longer bear living her life, and so she left, asking me to temporarily manage things for her until she felt ready to return. Time passed. It became apparent that she had no intentions of coming back.
It worked out for us. This young girl had been claimed by Hades, and she desperately wanted to be closer to him. At the same time, I had fallen in love with someone here on Earth, and wanted desperately to be closer to him. Win-win.
Except I spent a lot of time worrying about the day when she would want her body back, despite the fact she gave me her blessing to live it as if it were my life. I did. I dropped out of school, because I did not want what she wanted in life. I came out to my family, because I did not want to live my life pretending to be anything I was not. I moved halfway across the country to be with my love. I have undertaken intensive internal work, trying to heal and mend myself. But there was still that thought creeping in the back of my brain: tomorrow might be the day I wake up back in the spirit world, instead of in my bed. Today might be the last day I get to see my love face to face; feel his hand in mine, and his cheek pressed against my cheek.
So, this March, the young girl and myself made everything official. She gave up her ties to the body, and we went our separate ways. It is my life now, wholly.
For the first couple of weeks, it did not really feel like anything had changed. But the past couple of days, it has been really hard on me. I feel an aching in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, like something is missing. The weight of responsibility presses down on me a bit more. I feel lost. I feel alone.
And now I feel I have forgotten why I was writing this. Well. I guess that is that.