30 Days of Otherkin: Identity – Doubts

Oh, the Doubt Monster. Let me tell you.

I do not particularly doubt who and what I am anymore. On a day-to-day basis, my belief in who/what I am is pretty damn solid and integrated, and colors everyday interactions. Such as amazement with tin cans, the wide variety of unfoods, and how strangely solid my body is. So at this point, I can safely say I do not have many doubts, and when doubt does flare, it is mild and can easily be pushed away with the help of Z, or my other friends whom I have SPG (shared personal gnosis) with.

That was not always the case. When I first started out, I spent a solid two years in complete denial. If I doubt it hard enough, then surely it will not be true, and it will all go away. I am one of those otherkin who did not arrive at the community, then wonder what kintype they are. I am one of those who knew concretely what I am, before I ever even heard the word “otherkin” or wandered into the community.

But since my being otherkin is not a past life thing, but very relevant to this life and my spirit work, my denial was not an option. So the more I fought against it and doubted, the stronger visions became; the stronger dreams were; the more lost I felt. The denial drove me crazy. It was a contributing factor into the biggest downard spiral I have ever taken, that resulted in a botched suicide attempt (possibly the only failure in my life I am both proud of and grateful for).

I did not start letting the doubt go until about five years in. And even then, there is a huge difference between squelching  a few doubts with a “believing this does not hurt anyone, so maybe I can entertain the slight possibility”, and acceptance of what I am. Having a group of likeminded individuals whose experiences both in the far past and in the present corroborated my own experiences, was definitely a big help in the doubt arena. Because now, if I denied something, I was not only denying my own experiences, but theirs as well. And I believed them, so my doubting as a self-destructive tendency became less.

I did not actually and fully begin to believe things until a little over two years ago. For those not playing along since I am tossing numbers out everywhere, that means I did not start fully believing as a general rule, until about 11 years after I initially learned who/what I am.

I have Z to thank for that. Kind of hard to doubt and deny when you have a partner whom you met out of body before ever having a casual conversation even via the internet. We have so many shared experiences between the two of us, that if one of us doubts, the other carries us through.

And I am not saying that I do not doubt things, ever. I am a very, very skeptical person by nature (hello, nihilism I am still trying to get rid of?). But I am much, much better at getting behind why I doubt things and tackling the heart of it. And I no longer hold doubt as a virtue…most of the time.

I used to worry that all this otherkin business made me crazy. But there is a saying that passes around my little network, that is very apt here: being crazy keeps me sane. When I doubt, is when things truly fall apart. And they only ever get better, when I let go of disbelief.

About Reconstructing the Labyrinth

Hello! My name is Bri, and I run the blog Reconstructing the Labyrinth. I am a pagan who works primarily with the Minoan pantheon, of which I believe myself to be an incarnate member. I am also genderqueer, pansexual, and demisexual. I have a wonderful, loving partner. I am a mixed-media artist and writer with a great fondness for plaid and amaretto-flavored coffee.
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